What a Day!

Surprisngly, today has been really hard! Nothing has gone according to plan and I have been made well aware that just because I'm the mama in this house doesn't mean that I have everything under control. (Of course, I knew this before but sometimes it really hits me.)
Last night, our music director's wife emailed to let us know that they had been hit with the stomach flu. As backup music "person" I began to scramble to find music for today's service. I have very little oppurtunities during the week to play the piano, and I didn't really have time to practice so I was feeling lost and overwhelmed already late last night. I finally put together a couple of songs that I knew fairly well and could do alright with less than an hour's practice time. Then I had to think about the offeratory. We usually do a piano solo or special music during this time, and I remebered a song that I had heard my cousin sing a few months ago. I remembered that I had really liked the song, but didn't really remember the melody or lyrics. So I got on good ole Youtube to do some searching. I foung the song - it's "The Secret Place" by the Booth Brothers. I listened to it over and over and over....probably 20 times trying to get the melody and words down. By the time I made it to bed last night (this morning) I couldn't get the song out of my head! Every time I slightly woke up, I'd have the words singing in my head. Very annoying. And then about 4:30, Noah woke up crying and I just brought him to our bed. The alarm was set for 5:00 so I was praying for a VERY restful 30 minutes but I did not get what I asked for. =) I started cramping. Now I don't mean normal cramping, I mean I'm about to cry cramping. It let up a little after 20 minutes, enough for me to fall back asleep, but then I kept dreaming that Jeremy was taking me to the ER for the pain. No joke, I was seriously hurting. Needless to say, I did not get up at 5:00. In fact, I did not get up til 6:30! That was some major sleeping in, and it totally threw my morning out of wack! I ended up being almost 10 minutes late to teach Sunday School but the kids were being so patient waiting with their mama!
Some of you know that I have Poly-cystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS). This is a condition where the ovaries do not completely release the egg and the egg sits just at the edge of the ovary. A cyst then forms around that egg. The malfunctioning ovary also effects hormones, disturbing the body's "normal" balance. The body begins to produce too many "male" hormones and not enough "female." There are several symptoms that are produced and none of them fun. Obesity, acne, excessive facial and body hair, male-pattern baldness, just to name a few. Thankfully I don't struggle with all the symptoms but enough to try and make my life miserable. One other annoying symptom in IRREGULAR periods. So every month that passes, I'm faced with the emotional roller coaster of, "Am I not having a period because I'm just not gonna have one this month or am I not having one because I'm pregnant?" This inner turmoil can just wear you out mentally and emotionally. So my last cycle was March 14, and for 8 days now I've had that feeling of I'm just about to start. But, nope, just my body playing tricks on me. The thing that's worried me this week is that three times during the week, I've had excrutiating pain in my ovaries and tubes. Both sides. It lasts less than an hour but it is so painful. I'm beginning to wonder of one of those little cysts may be enlarging and feeling with fluid and is causing the pain. I'm not sure, I've not really experienced a week like this before. I have a doctor's appointment Wednesday to talk about treatment options for my PCOS, a lump on my breast, and something else that's a little TMI for a blog. All these things have been worrying me this week and to top it off, the boys are both getting tubes put it tomorrow morning at 7:00. I'm soooo very thankful we're getting this done but it is a little scary, too. I hope they do well.
Okay, I said all that to simply say that I was TIRED this morning. Then there was this song, bear with me I'll have to share it with for this story to continue:

My heart is like a house,
One day I let my Savior in.
There were many rooms,
where we would visit now and then.
Then one day he saw that door,
and I had feared this day would come.
So I said Jesus, I'm not ready
for us to visit in this room.

Cause there's a place in my heart
where even I don't go.
I've got some things hidden there,
I don't want no one to know.
But then He handed me the key,
with tears of love on His face.
He said I want to make you clean,
So let me in your secret place.

So I opened up that door,
and the two of us walked in.
I was so ashamed,
you see His light uncovered all my sin.
But when I think about that room now,
I don't have to be afraid
Cause my hidden sin
No longer hides behind that door!

Cause that was a place in my heart
where even I didn't go.
I had some things hidden there,
I didn't want no one to know.
But then He handed me the key,
with tears of love on His face.
He said I want to make you clean,
I let Him in my secret place.
Is there a place in your heart?
Where even you don't go?
You've got some things hidden there
You don't want no on to know.
See He's handing you the key,
with tears of love on His face.
He will make you clean,
Let Him in your secret place.

So this morning, thinking about that song as we got ready for church, I thought, I don't believe I have a "secret place" like that. Then -whamo!- the Holy Sirit did what He is so good at. He led me to that door in my heart that I pretend isn't there. And I thought, great! I am never gonna make it through this song without crying. And sure enough, I didn't. :) And I forgot the words a couple of times and made up my own. lol! But let me share with you my secret place.
Very few people know the struggle I have to keep my house clean and straightened. Very few will see it any way except clean, but for those of you who have - you know what a hard time I have in this area. It's not that I was never taught because my mother is an amazing housekeeper. But my life is nothing like hers was and I have some major time management issues. Most of the time, I don't even feel guilty about it because I don't know what to do about it. I can make a list of what I need to do every day. That's easy.
Every day:
Make beds
Wash dishes
One load of laundry (at least)
Keep toys picked up
Clean up from kids snacks and meals
Sweep living room
Mop living room
Clean front hall toilet
Clean front hall sink and mirror
Sweep front hall bathroom floor
Mop front hall bathroom floor

These things MUST be done every day because of the amount of kids who use the bathroom every day and all the kids that puke and poop on the living room floor. I used to do all these things during nap time but recently, two of my babies' have decided to take a nap at 10:30 which means that they are usually waking up when everyone else in laying down. By the time I've fed them both, changed their diapers, cleaned up from lunch and swept the floor, the big kids are waking up. Then my kids are normally all picked up by 5:45 so then I need to do supper, then it's play time with just Jeremy, me and the boys. Then it's bath time, Bible and prayer time and bed time. Noah goes to sleep easily but it usually takes Isaac about an hour to go to sleep. By the time everyone's actually asleep, I'm exhausted and overwhelmed by the mess in the kitchen, the bathroom, the laundry that needs to be folded and put away and I just throw up my hands and give up! I don't really know how to fix this problems except that this is a character flaw in my and I need to work on building more Christlike character traits into my daily life. But why, you say, is this your secret place? Because for one, I'm ashamed of my home and the way I keep it and I try to pretend the situation doesn't exist. And also because, I've been arrogant enough to believe that I could do it on my own strength. I guess I just have this idea that because I'm the mama, I'm supoosed to be able to handle all my responsibilities and juggle all the balls and wear all the hats without any upsets. I've NEVER looked to the Lord for help in this area in my life, and I think this morning the Lord decided I needed a mega dose of humble pie to help me realize that not only is He my only hope of salvation and eternal life, but He is my only hope for life on this life. I cannot succeed in my role as wife and mom unless I fully rely on Him. I really don't know how things are going to change but like I told the church this morning, I am so very thankful that He is my strength in my weakness, because right now I am feeling very weak. I understand that if I can do everything within my own power, then I can't glorify the Lord, only myself. So I'm choosing to glory in my weakness and rely on the power of God this week. To get me through doctor's appointments and through my daily duties.
Please pray for me, dear friends, as I struggle to present a Godly legacy for my children and my children's children.