Confessions

Why is it that I can have almost unending patience with other people but I am so quick to be short with my husband? He is one of the three people I love most on this earth, he is so tender and patient with me, he picks up my slack, and very rarely does a day go by that he doesn't tell me how beautiful I am. I thank the Lord every day for sending me to Jeremy and for blessing our home and family.

I remember when we first started dating and the respect that I felt for him. I was so very impressed by his devotion to the Lord and his call to preach. Now that I really know him..... Just kidding. =) He's still that way. It's me that's changed.
Unfortunately, growing up I did not have a good example of a marriage relationship. My view of a wife was someone who obeyed her husband but resented him every step of the way. So I knew that wasn't right. I think I went too far to the other extreme as I became bossy and nagging. I tend to treat him as if he were the dirt underneath my shoes. I always beg for my own way, knowing how sweet and generous he is toward me. I demand that household chores and the care of our children be done my way. I'm selfish in my attitude toward him in all areas of our life together, including intimacy.

The Lord has been trying for a year now to break me down in this area, and I feel heartbroken over the person I've become. But after a few days, I find myself falling into old habits. The problem is, that the last part of my day, the last measure of my energy and patience is what is usually given to him. He gets me after I've been puked on, pooped on, bitten, run over and around by crazy (but fun) little ones. I need to concentrate on giving him the best parts of me. But how to do that? We had started a couple of months ago getting up a little earlier and having our breakfast while reading aloud the Proverb that corresponds with the day of the month. (there are 31 chapters in Proverbs) That 10-15 minutes we had together before we got the boys up for breakfast were so rewarding - quiet and intimate.

But I really believe that Satan has been setting us up for failure this year. Our boys have been sick almost non-stop since January. We've just now got our budget ballanced for the first time this year. We've been very blessed with the growth of our church plant, but it has demanded a lot of time and energy from us both. So I say all that to say that we've chosen to sleep the extra minutes in the morning instead of getting up. But I've got to decide that giving Jeremy that first part of my day, before all the craziness begins, is more important than a few more minutes of sleep.

We took a date day a couple of Saturdays ago, and it was so wonderful to talk about other things besides kids, finances and church. We had the WHOLE DAY to talk, watch movies and order pizza. On those days, I remember why I fell in love with this amazing man and why I wanted him to be the head of our family. It's when we come back to normal life that once again, I put him last on the totem pole. How I long for this cycle to change! I really believe that I need to confess before the Lord my sins committed toward Jeremy and ask for His forgiveness, then also ask for Jeremy's. I want to be his helpmeet, not the one who drags him down. I want to greet him at the door from work with a smile and kiss and a good attitude. Home should be his refuge from the storms of life, not the place he gets drenched in soaking rain and sees lightening flashing from my eyes.

Does anyone else struggle with this? Do any of you ladies feel like you could do better at respecting you husband and showing him love? If so, maybe you, too, need to cry out for forgiveness and be creative (maybe even sacrifice some of 'your' time) in thinking of ways to please your husband. It is encouraging to me to hear from you, so feel free to share with me your struggles or remedies for the challange of loving our husbands.