Confessions

Why is it that I can have almost unending patience with other people but I am so quick to be short with my husband? He is one of the three people I love most on this earth, he is so tender and patient with me, he picks up my slack, and very rarely does a day go by that he doesn't tell me how beautiful I am. I thank the Lord every day for sending me to Jeremy and for blessing our home and family.

I remember when we first started dating and the respect that I felt for him. I was so very impressed by his devotion to the Lord and his call to preach. Now that I really know him..... Just kidding. =) He's still that way. It's me that's changed.
Unfortunately, growing up I did not have a good example of a marriage relationship. My view of a wife was someone who obeyed her husband but resented him every step of the way. So I knew that wasn't right. I think I went too far to the other extreme as I became bossy and nagging. I tend to treat him as if he were the dirt underneath my shoes. I always beg for my own way, knowing how sweet and generous he is toward me. I demand that household chores and the care of our children be done my way. I'm selfish in my attitude toward him in all areas of our life together, including intimacy.

The Lord has been trying for a year now to break me down in this area, and I feel heartbroken over the person I've become. But after a few days, I find myself falling into old habits. The problem is, that the last part of my day, the last measure of my energy and patience is what is usually given to him. He gets me after I've been puked on, pooped on, bitten, run over and around by crazy (but fun) little ones. I need to concentrate on giving him the best parts of me. But how to do that? We had started a couple of months ago getting up a little earlier and having our breakfast while reading aloud the Proverb that corresponds with the day of the month. (there are 31 chapters in Proverbs) That 10-15 minutes we had together before we got the boys up for breakfast were so rewarding - quiet and intimate.

But I really believe that Satan has been setting us up for failure this year. Our boys have been sick almost non-stop since January. We've just now got our budget ballanced for the first time this year. We've been very blessed with the growth of our church plant, but it has demanded a lot of time and energy from us both. So I say all that to say that we've chosen to sleep the extra minutes in the morning instead of getting up. But I've got to decide that giving Jeremy that first part of my day, before all the craziness begins, is more important than a few more minutes of sleep.

We took a date day a couple of Saturdays ago, and it was so wonderful to talk about other things besides kids, finances and church. We had the WHOLE DAY to talk, watch movies and order pizza. On those days, I remember why I fell in love with this amazing man and why I wanted him to be the head of our family. It's when we come back to normal life that once again, I put him last on the totem pole. How I long for this cycle to change! I really believe that I need to confess before the Lord my sins committed toward Jeremy and ask for His forgiveness, then also ask for Jeremy's. I want to be his helpmeet, not the one who drags him down. I want to greet him at the door from work with a smile and kiss and a good attitude. Home should be his refuge from the storms of life, not the place he gets drenched in soaking rain and sees lightening flashing from my eyes.

Does anyone else struggle with this? Do any of you ladies feel like you could do better at respecting you husband and showing him love? If so, maybe you, too, need to cry out for forgiveness and be creative (maybe even sacrifice some of 'your' time) in thinking of ways to please your husband. It is encouraging to me to hear from you, so feel free to share with me your struggles or remedies for the challange of loving our husbands.

I Don't Have To Be Strong

The Lord taught me a very important lesson today, and I am yet again amazed by His faithfulness and mercy. My 11 month old, Noah, has double ear infections and the poor thing was up all night last night crying, running a fever, and throwing up. I got a grand total of two hours of sleep, and those were not consecutive hours. So starting my day this morning just seemed like a daunting task and much more than I could bear. Then it's like the Lord spoke in my ear and said, "You don't have to be strong. You don't have to be energetic. Just draw everything you need from Me today." Never have I felt such a sense of peace and relief! It was okay that I was tired and feeling grumpy - I didn't have to summon strength up from within myself to get through my day. I just needed to allow the Lord to work through me today. And do you know that not once today have I felt tired or sleepy?

This little lesson I learned during the early part of my day has applied very nicely to my evening. We are under tornado warnings for the next couple of hours and have been since this afternoon. It is such a comfort to know that I don't have to drum up courage for the sake of my kids (or myself.) I'm just leaning on the Lord. It's okay to not be in control, and to feel uncomfortable and fearful. I don't draw courage from myself. I rely on the Lord for my safety and security. If I'm relying on Him, there's no need or even space for fear. I'm leaning on my Lord and casting all my cares upon Him.

Me? Walk 60 miles? That's hilarious.

Another title could be, "Me? Fund raise $2300? Even hilariouser." (I'm pretty sure that's not a word. oh, well.) But, yes, I - Rachel Lynette Lane - am training for the Susan G. Komen 3day for a Cure. And, yes, I have committed to raising $2300 by October 21. This is all very intimidating for me, but I feel that I am up for the challenge. I am already bathing everything in prayer and claiming victory in these two challenging areas. Challenges of training - finding the time to do it! I'm commiting to about 10 hours a week for now and more to come. Challenges in fundraising - fundraising. I'm not exactly a salesperson but like I said, I'm claiming the victory and trusting in God's faithfullness.

My mama's sister and mother are both breast cancer survivors. I have another aunt and between mama and her siblings there are eleven grandaughters and three great-grandaughters. The national average is that one in eight women will be diagnosed with breast cancer in her lifetime. Combine that with our family history and it would be a miracle if none of us had to experience breast cancer. I actually am going for a second doctor's visit next week to check a lump I've found. So I have to say, that I am doing this walk for purely selfish reasons. I desperatly want a cure found so my family (and thousands like us) doesn't ever have to go through such an ordeal again. (Hoping that passion will help out with the fundraising. lol!)

So right now my plan is to walk 5-7 miles at least twice a week and on two consecutive days just go as far and as long as I can. Tonight I did 4.8 miles in one hour so I was kind of hoofin' it. =) Didn't go as long tonight because baby Noah is suffering from ear infections and was VERY cranky. My plan for fundraising includes the typical bake sale, car wash, yard sale. That kind of thing. But I've begun planning for a huge charity auction in Septemeber. I've got some great ideas of donations but I've just gotta get the donations in! For example: the flight school in Knoxville offers "Discovery Flights." Where you get to fly (with an instructor) over Knoxville, the Cumberland Valley, or the Smokies. I'd LOVE to get a free flying session donated from them. There is a Sugarland concert at Thompson Boling Arena in October so I'm going to contact their PR about tickets and backstage passes. Stuff like that. I've never been to a charity auction and I really have no clue what I'm doing, but I'm willing to learn so I've been reading up on the ins and outs on successful auctions.

Seems like I remember complaining a couple of days ago about being too busy and overwhelmed. I'm sure that this whole 3day thing is going to lighten my load. {dripping with sarcasm} BUT, I'm really looking forward to the challenge and I believe the Lord will have alot of lessons for me to learn throughout this proccess. BTW! If you would like to join me in this effort, let me know! I'd love to add you to our team of two. It's for a great caaauu-uussse! {singsongy}

Progress was Made......I think!

Well, my day did not go according to plan. (Does it ever?) It started out with me lazing around in my night gown, watching the news. The boys were still asleep so I was just enjoying a few peaceful moments before my day got started. I knew that my first kids wouldn't be at the house until around 7:45. About 7:10, I drug myself to the bathroom to brush my teeth. On the way to my room to get dressed, I hear the doorbell ringing! Now, my kids normally knock on the door so the fact that they were using the doorbell meant that they had probably been there awhile. Let's just say I was scantily clad so I ran into my room to grab my robe then opened the door to welcome my first two students of the day. So the day started off kinda weird. :)
We had a great morning playing and even decided to skip circle time today in favor of a huge wrestling match on my bed. The kids had a blast! and little Noah would crack up everytime I sent someone flying. Two-year old Kyla kept saying she was getting "squooshed like a bug" So much fun! Then I got a call from my third student's mom saying they were staying home today. In my head, I'm rearranging my day to accomadate the change. Not long after, I get another call from an expectant mom who is a friend of mine. Her two little ones came to play for the afternoon while she was seeing the doctor. Another change to my plans! BUT, all the kids played really well together and there was very little arguing and fussing.
I did manage to find time to sit and figure out a daily and weekly schedule! I prioritized my responsibilities and felt really good about the changes I made to my days. Still didn't accomplish all ofmy goals for the day, but I no longer have that overwhelmed feeling telling me I might as well give up and do nothing. Got a few loads of laundry done, went through the mountain of Easter candy and sorted it all into "keep" and "send with Jeremy to work" piles. lol! Unfortanetly, my poor little man had an upset tummy this evening and we've managed to refill the laundry hamper. Hey, at least I wasn't adding it to what was there yesterday, right? =) Now all that's left of my day is to do some picking up and straightening up then it's off to some much needed quiet time with the Lord before bed! Hopefully, I have a better start to my day tomorrow! It would probably help to be dressed before my kids get here, hahaha!

Resurrection Day!

I've had a couple of quiet moments today. I start to meditate on this day and what it means then find that my mind and heart cannot hold the magnitude of Easter's message. We started watching The Passion last night. We'll finish it this evening. I've actually only seen the movie once before when it first came out and wasn't sure then if I wanted to see if again. But this Easter, with my crazy busy life, I felt the need to put my focus on Jesus, His cross, and resurrection. The overwhelming emotion I feel as I watch The Passion and meditate on His Word is humbleness. The movie forces you to see and realize what it may have been like for our Lord to die that day 2,000 years ago. The weight of my own sin and filthiness is something He should never have had to bear. That He suffered and died for me is very humbling. I remember watching The Passion the first time and toward the end of the beating, crying and thinking, "Stop! Stop! I'll bear the punishment for my own sin! You are GOD! If I could stop it now and spend eternity in Hell I would do it." It is good for us to see ourselves in perspective of our Christ and understand His sacrifice. After humbleness, the next feeling is love and adoration. I would do anything, be anything, go anywhere, for this God Man who gave His life for me.
Let me tell you now - Jesus came to save sinners! You and me. Do not refuse His grace out of feelings of unworthiness. We are all unworthy. If you were worthy of salvation, there would have been no need of His death and resurrection. He did it because we are unworthy. Praise Him for the forgiveness of sin He offers and for giving us access to the Father! You will never have purpose or hope without Jesus. "I am the way, and the truth, and the light. No man comes to the Father except by (through) Me." -John 16:3 Amplified Bible

Overwhelmed!!!

There is so much going on in my life right now that I often am pressed with overwhelming feelings of failure. The day-to-day busyness of teaching and caring for all the little ones in my in-home preschool tends to keep my mind preoccupied and worry free. But then the evening comes, and all my kids go home. It's then that I see two little boys who are needing one-on-one time with Mama and Daddy. I see the pile of dirty dishes from our meals and snacks that day, the laundry hamper overflowing with our personal clothes, baby bibs and burp cloths, as well as towels and washrags used to clean up all types of bodily fluids. My family is hungry and wanting a hot, home-cooked meal on the table. I need to go walking - I've just started training for the 3 day Komen Walk for the Cure, I need to get curriculum and crafts ready for the next day of school, there are church matters that need to be organized and handled. I would LOVE to spend some quiet time with my husband, but he has sermons to prepare and outreach opportunities to set up, and a congregation to shepherd. Unfortunately, I just can't do it all. I know it could be better.
Right now I have two full-time and three part-time students. (Plus my two boys) Their ages are 3 months, 8 months, 10 months, 1 1/2 years, two 2 year olds and 4 years. Once upon a time, all my kids napped at the same time and that gave me 1-2 hours in which I could take care of other responsibilities. This is no longer the case! So from 7:15a.m. to 5:45 my time is not my own. :) Trying to cram all of that other "stuff" into 4 hours in the evening is just not working for me. I'm dropping a lot of balls lately trying to juggle them all.
I know what I need to do. I need to sit down and write out a detailed schedule of my day, my week, and make deliberate decisions on when I should do what. Obviously, flying by the seat of my pants isn't very effective. But when am I going to find the time to sit down and work out this master schedule? *sigh* I'll just have to fit it in somewhere, because I am so tired of feeling discouraged and defeated by my hectic days. I need to determine the "absolutely, without option, must happen" responsibilities from those that are "no one will suffer an agonizing and painful death if it doesn't happen every day" responsibilities.
Hmmmmm.....there's a lot to think about for this upcoming week. I'll let you know how it goes. I think my verse for this week will be Psalm 28:7. "The Lord is my Strength and my impenetrable Shield; my heart trusts in, relies on, and confidently leans on Him, and I am helped; therefore my heart greatly rejoices, and with my song will I praise Him." -taken from the Amplified Bible.