Happy Birthday to Me!

Yes, today I turned the ripe old age of 27. =) But the day did not meet my expectations and therefore it was a day of disappointments. Now I know all the "Bible" answers to my problem.....count my blessings and such. And yes, the Lord has blessed me far more than I deserve. But I'm just being real here. I was disappointed today.

First disappointment of the day: As I was sorting laundry and trying to go through all of the boys clothes (we're having a yard sale next month) I felt disappointment in myself. Why had I not done this 6 months ago? Why did I wait until their drawers are overflowing to the point that they will not shut and that their closet is bursting at the seams? Fail, fail, fail.....

Second disappointment of the day: My husband was so sweet to give me a clothesline for my birthday. Seriously, I am super excited about getting it up! We went to Lowe's yesterday to get the supplies. He also took me to dinner and a movie, but there were several things that happened today that disappointed me. My expectations for my husband were unrealistic. Guess what that means? I frustrate him and myself when those expectations aren't met. I am 100% sure that he would say I disappointed him today as well. Why can't I be a better wife? Fail, fail, fail......

And the biggest, most deeply rooted disappointment of all? We watched What to Expect When You're Expecting tonight. Now follow me....we wanted to see Mirror, Mirror but it wasn't playing for another hour and so we decided to see WTEWYE. (lol...I'm too lazy to type it all out) From the previews it looked cute and funny. And it was. BUT.....here's the kicker....it also dealt with a couple of issues that I try not to dwell on. One couple struggles with infertility and decides to adopt. Another couple loses their baby early in the pregnancy. Do you see it now? Several times during the movie, I found myself laughing then crying. And not because I was laughing so hard tears were running down my cheeks. But because I so identified with those couples. We lost a baby in early November, and every since then my cycles have been way out of whack. I'm not really sure that I'm even ovulating anymore. We both would love to have another one but....fail, fail, fail.....  This fail strikes hard in the very core of my heart. The disappointment and heartache very nearly overwhelm me.

I always try to allow myself the permission to truly feel and be present in my emotions, but then to acknowledge the truth. Is what I'm feeling TRUE according to the truth of God's Word? Let's look.

1) God LOVES me......wow.....this just blows my mind. God loved me so much that while I was still in sin, He accepted His Son's sacrifice in my place so that He could have a relationship with me. Wowza! The truth is that no matter what, I'm still a precious jewel in the sight of God and He is pleased to call me His child. Praise the Lord!

2) My failures are merely pointers to the comfort of our Christ. Romans 8:28 - "We are assured and KNOW that God being a partner in our labor, all things works together and are fitting into a plan for good to and for those who love God and are called according to His design and purpose." When I feel insufficient, it's because I am. But praise God, He Is!!!! And He is working every feeling, event, and disappointment for my good so that I can accomplish the design and purpose He has for my life. There is such COMFORT in that, don't you agree?! Comfort and humility.

I understand that by feeling shame in myself, I am forced to look upon Him who bears my burdens, carried my cross, bore my sin, and victoriously lives again.

So, yes, happy birthday to me! I am blessed beyond measure and thankful for my overflowing closets, herioc husband, and even my empty womb. My peace, my rest, my fulfillment cannot be found in any of those things, but I know where to find it! At the feet of Jesus. Good night!